Is it compatible with the path to desire a change of percieved gender?

Question

I don't know how much I can write about this. Because I think I'm touching matters that can get philosophical very quickly. But I'll try to be as simple and consise as possible.

I am not a man. What a man is I do not know. Neither do I know what a woman is, but I know what being a woman feels like. I realize that when I allow myself to untie my heart, let go of shame and fear, I find myself happier, more empathetic, and ineludibly more "femenine". When I love myself, I love everyone and everything else more. And it is when I love myself when I feel I truly exist as a "woman", and vice-versa.

However I always get assaulted by doubts. "If you know gender to be an illusion. If you know that deep down, we are not separate from each other. Men from women, people from trees. Consciousness from consciousness by the illusion of an individual ego... Then why do you care what your body looks like?". It is because I feel inside a prison, I answer, a prison of both body and mind. Because my heart feels always opressed when I pretend to be a man. When I act like something I am not. But then again... How can I know what I'm not If I'm part of it all? I do not ask if being trans is "right" or "wrong". But, is wanting to look like what you feel you are... A desire?Or a need? That is my question as consise as I can make it.

Answer 1

If "being a woman" helps you let go of being anything later, then you should go for it.

Ultimately a samana is not a man or a woman and has no future identifying with conditioned reality. If transitioning will help you skillfully walk the path then that's probably what matters. I wish you peace, metta, and much wisdom no matter how you proceed.

Comments

Thank you very much for this. That was an instinctive idea I had, but that I couldn't place or percieve fully until you said it out loud here. Somewhere inside me I had the feeling that if transitioning helps me feel deep empathy again for the world and myself, I can find again my way towards the path. If being a "woman", wakes up my heart and my mind to life again... If through that self love I find empathy towards myself and others instead of fear and hatred. I should heed the calling of that instinct. I shouldn't be afraid of how my heart beats for life. Not afraid of what people may say or percieve me for. After that, perhaps a long time after that. If I truly awaken to consciousness I would probably not care about gender or the body. But if following this need right now, helps me get there... Then I think it's worth transitioning. It's worth to finally let myself be as I am. Thank you... Truthfully, I found your answer open minded, incredibly wise and farsighted, and more than anything, deeply empathetic, a rarity in my life these days. Thank you.

---

I wish you great luck and much progress on your path. Please practice the Dhamma often and be kind and your path cannot fail.

Sadhu!

Answer 2

Be mindful of the desire to be a woman. Be mindful of the doubts. Be mindful towards any aversion that arises when you look yourself in the mirror. Societies are evolving to be more tolerant of different genders. So unless your current gender/sex is causing you any serious health issues, work on overcoming your desire to change gender. Whenever the mind starts obsessing about gender, note all those thoughts until they go away. That would be more compatible with the path.

Comments

Thank you for your answer. I agree with all you have said. And I find it wise. I am fully aware that being percieved as a woman won't magically make my problems go away. That the initial joy of finally changing my body can and will quickly dissapear as soon as it is the new normal. And I know the dangers of chase. Because even at a very young age I have chased enough for many lifetimes combined.  There are many people, trans and not trans, that are constantly unhappy with their bodies. Entire cultures that promote plastic surgery and toxic standards of "beauty". But I will still transition. That decition was already taken. I won't let go of the desire to look like a woman right now. Because at this moment, that desire is more of a need instead. Like people who die of cancer right after their spouse died of the same thing. People who die of sadness, who die spiritually and emotionally before dying physichally. That's as best as I can describe it to you. Like pulling a huge splinter out of your chest. But as you very wisely said, always in a mindful way. I know I will never look like a born woman. And I don't intend to torture my body to look exactly like one either. I've made peace with that. With the fact that upclose I will be able to tell, and maybe people who get close too. But that's fine with me. I only want to feel just a little more like "me". You can imagine it is not easy to ask these types of questions, specially in religious contexts. But I found your answer mindful and honest. So truly, thank you for your answer. I needed to talk to someone, and you helped me inmensely.

---

The actual problem is taking the mind and body as you or yourself. That is the root of all problems. If you start doing Satipatthanna meditation, you will see that there is nothing in the body or mind that can be taken as a self or something that belongs to a self. You will be perfectly at peace with your current appearance when you are able to see that. I would recommend spending your time on trying to understand the true nature of reality rather than mutilating the body to satisfy a desire.

---

I explicitly said in my answer that I would not be doing such a thing as mutilating my body, I implied it with another word out of tactfulness to not bring gruesome imagery to the reader. I can clearly see you are either angry or disgusted, or perhaps both.  I also don't fail to notice that you completely disregarded my efforts when I tried to convey that for the subjective experience of my being, it is not a desire. But a need. Much like drinking water, or breathing. But you have taken upon yourself to designate what is "need" and what is "desire" to every consciousness that exists in the universe, much like parameters or semantic meanings that do not need to be related to conscious experience for them to mean something. Even though it should be obvious that subjective experience and qualia is inexpresable through language. You don't even make an effort to try and understand my words, best case scenario you didn't even read what I wrote, at least that way the spite could be attributed to ignorance, and then it wouldn't be spite but rather lack of sensitivity or tact. You've done enough for me. And please, do not reply further because I don't want you to waste time. I will not reply back. I do not hold you resentment, so please, do not hold any back.  I simply don't wish to speak with you any more.

---

I'm neither angry nor disgusted, friend. If you are asking a question simply to get an approval for your own thoughts, you will hardly learn anything new. Wanting to change the gender is undoubtedly caused by craving for becoming. Sometimes if your craving is so strong, it can feel like the need to drink water. But it is clearly not a need. If the country you live in has a law to execute or fine people of your gender, it can be considered a need.  Sorry to hit a nerve, but the goal of the answer was neither to upset you nor give an assurance to your own views at the expense of the truth.

---

Shize, though it isn't the answer you want to hear, Sankha is correct. He is giving you good advice. What you are doing is conflating needs with desires. The trouble with this path you are considering, as has already been said, is that it will only reinforce a sense of self on yet another level: that "I" will be happier if "I" only become "her" (or "him" as the case may be); it is a path riddled with problems for anybody seeking ultimate release from the sense of self. Please believe that in no way is this said with anger or disgust, but only in the desire to help you. And you did ask. May you find peace!